Russian spies
I worked with a guy that married a Russian spy.
He got her by mail. Like Amazon with a limited return policy.
She was beautiful.
He told me this often.
He never stop talking.
About himself.
Let’s call her Tatiana.
Only the KGB knows her real name.
I can’t remember her name although I heard it a hundred times.
He was a data modeler with a bunch of degrees but no common sense,
She was fleeing a disintegrating Soviet Union.
He was fleeing himself.
It was a match made in Moscow.
He was self-centered, odd, fat, spoke with a lisp and looked like Truman Capote.
Women were his kryptonite and he lived in a bizarro world.
He made me feel good about myself.
I wanted to kill him after listening to him talk about himself for 10 minutes.
I’m sure she wanted to kill him.
We all had motive.
She had skills. Leave it to a professional.
The FBI contacted him one day and said she was a KGB agent and had to go back to Russia.
That must have been an awkward conversation.
”Golubushka, who was at the door?”
She went back to Russia and he went back to talking about himself.
Alone. But with us.
The worst type of bore.
This got me thinking about camera design.
The designs of cameras are killing me. Boring me.
Big, black blocks of plastic closer to bowling balls than precision optical devices.
That is design shit.
We all know it.
Cellphones have a lens the size of the mole on my back and take better photos than a Canon 5D.
What if they made a lenses the size of the mole on my back bigger and used the same software?
They could then make a sleek Jonathan Ive design that you would lust to carry.
It would be light and multi-functional.
I could let them see the mole on my back for reference.
It would be an iphone wouldn’t it?
I should have thought of that two paragraphs ago.
I don’t plan ahead sometimes.
My wife has a cell phone with 2 lenses.
She only uses 1 and kicks my butt with her photos.
That is domestic bullying. It’s also called marriage.
This weekend we hiked to a high hill to enjoy the warm, autumn day and foliage.
I carried my Pentax k5 bowling ball.
I took many photos at the top of the hill using RAW, auto focus and other advanced techniques.
My wife was sweaty and ripped off 3 photos before complaining she wanted to go home.
Her photos are beautiful.
Colorful, clouds not washed out, clear and in focus.
My photos have this blurry thing going on, the sky is white not blue and….it’s technical.
I’m too emotional to talk about it now.
Who did Jonathan Ive piss off?
Is there not enough room at Apple for someone with talent and Tim Boring?
Or could he see what they were going to do with his ideas?
Remember John Scully and the brown plastic Powerbook. I hope not.
Purple iPhones and grunge coloured 24” iMacs.
What is this in-house design shit?
Do you hear laughter?
Someone go find Jonathan. Someone stop Tim. Take extra people if you need to.
I have no faith that any camera company will do anything.
The Japanese don’t change until they get beaten senseless.
Cameras are all Japan does now.
That and staying out late drinking before commuting home to commute back to work at 6AM.
That’s why Japanese women are all marrying robots and ugly white guys.
Like me. Ugly white guy that is.
Have the camera companies done a survey lately of under 25’s that are buying cameras vs. cell phones?
No one. The kanji is on the wall.
No one but lonely, dorkheads buy cameras. I have several.
These are desperate times in Japan.
Tim Cook is going to screw up Apple like Ford screwed up the 1965 Mustang.
My dermatologist is going to remove my mole.
But first we must do several expensive tests so his alimoney and Tesla payments are covered.
I’m covered by Southern Cross so I don’t give a damn.
Live and let live moleman.
As the Russians say “Пni uCHI uCHYOnava!”.
Which means “Don’t teach your grandmother to such eggs!”
That was what Tatiana was screaming as they dragged her onto the plane after spending 7 hours at the airport bar.