My gear
Cameras are like women.
Get the best one you can afford.
Do not upgrade.
Did you not watch your father?
Were you born under a mushroom?
I am not going to cover the basics here.
But then no one is paying attention. Or reading this.
I have no sponsors.
No company would be that foolish.
I use a Pentax k5 because it is very heavy.
That’s important because I balance it on the car window ledge to take photos.
Remember to “mirror in”. That’s the car mirror not the camera mirror.
You don’t want the car mirror showing in the left part of the picture.
I only take pictures from the drivers side.
Understand?
I told you I was not going to cover the basics here.
The Pentax k5 has a ‘mirror up’ or “mirror lock” function or some shit that I don’t use.
I use automatic mode.
Mirror my ass.
I don’t use white balance because I am not a racist.
In public.
I don’t use +- compensation because I have nothing to compensate for.
I don’t used camera filters. They slow me down.
I use filters making coffee when I get out of bed several hours after the golden hour.
Coffee is the golden hour. Or one of three. I really don’t know how many there are.
The cycles of life mean nothing to me.
Standing in the cold, wet dark waiting for something to happen when the the sun comes up is stupid.
That’s called Black Friday.
That’s dangerous and can get you killed for a mini-fridge.
This is photography. It’s killing my budget but I will not die for it.
I do know how to format the card.
I know that I shouldn’t format the card before saving the pictures to the computer after a long day in the field.
There is no way to get them back if you do this. I have tried dozens of times.
I never go to the menu because menus are for restaurants.
Restaurants are what I really enjoy.
Not cameras.
Why ruin two things?
I have a tripod that I keep in the trunk.
I never use it because I leave the tripod ballhead thing in the motel or at home.
I notice this after setting the tripod up in the field. Shit.
I use the ledge of the car to steady my camera.
With the seat warmer ON.
With my 3rd cup of coffee on the console.
I do this to be alone.
Photography is the excuse.
Cameras are the vehicle.
I don’t use glass filters for the same reason.
They all look the same.
And I leave them in the motel with the tripod ballhead thing.
If I had more time before going into the field I could organise better.
By the time I have coffee, lunch and buy wine for the evening the day gets short fast.
Do you have days like this?
Remember work?
When you spent the whole week doing your Monday status report so it looked like you did something.
That’s how my photo shoots go.
Busy all the time. Nothing gets done.
I have worked for myself for 30 years but I remember not working for big companies like a wet dream.
I got paid for that?
That’s why all those companies are gone.
”That covers my camera gear.
Heavy, dated and left behind.
They are the keys to my craft.
I have a 1997 Toyota Camry station wagon that I travel in.
Fred.
I love Fred like a man can only love a dog.
You think I am poor and can’t afford a modern car with electronic shit?
Nay.
Do you have a hinged neck so you can look down on me?
My wife has a Honda CRV.
I bought my son a Honda CRV.
I gave a Honda CRV to my daughter.
We are family Honda CRV.
I prefer Fred.
Fred is old, dented and doesn’t work. Like me.
Fred has enough places to hide things that Woody Allen could hide secrets from Mia Farrow in it.
Mia would still find out. All women do.
Mr. DeNiro, Bob, meet Woody.
In addition to being a shit photographer I am a shit family counselor.
Since you are in the same town I am offering to meet with both of you.
I will not meet with Woody alone.
Normally I don’t work with couples.
However, when you see a drowning man you don’t schedule a life preserver.
You both clearly don’t know how to swim but insist on jumping into the deep end.
Based on the emails I am receiving this could be a franchise opportunity.
Multi-city. Multi-country. For every man.
Did you not read the first paragraph of this blog?
Now I have to charge you for it.
I love Fred (my car) because he is loyal and simple.
No one would suspect the valuable camera gear in the boot.
No one would steal my camera gear because it is shit.
”Officer - he’s dead? Broke his spine trying to carry the Pentax k5 away? So young...”
I built up to carrying my Pentax k5 by first carrying calfs, then cows, then tractors.
I would buy a mirrorless camera but I don’t want to lose my muscle tone.
Anyone stealing my car would face serious risks.
Tetanus, hepatitis or food poisoning if they ate the open candy bar on the dashboard.
The candy bar is my lunch and has been for several months. Don’t touch it. It’s still good.
I am not poor.
I just look like a poor, homeless man.
I wear a 10 year old frayed marino sweater because it feels so good.
I wear 10 year old rugby shorts because they fit good.
My Reebok tennis shoes were new when I worked at Apple whatever decade that was.
I have a 10 year old camera because my 15 year old camera broke when I dropped it getting the mail.
My wife always wants to see me before we go out to make sure I am not dressed like I always am.
I always redress before going out.
It’s small rebellions that lead to great revolutions. Sun Tzu.
None of my gear is for sale.
No one would buy it.
Or steal it. I’ve tried.
That’s what insurance is for but you need help.
Photographers apparently say “It’s not about the camera…”
This is new to me.
If it’s not about the camera then why does everyone tell me to upgrade?
Someone is lying. And the innocent are getting hurt. Me.
If you are new to photography.
Save your money.
Buy one good camera and one good lens.
Never read a photography magazine.
Never listen to anyone talk about their photography or vision.
Never attend a camera club.
A 10 year old cameras will always be better than you will ever be.
Your first wife will always be better than you deserve.
This is true. Think of me as a friend.
Unless you are a wedding photographer.
In that case you need to be armed.
Glock 17, 9mm, hammer back.
That is gear.